How to deal with a toxic mother?

[megusina]

I don't know how to deal with my toxic mother anymore. She is very controlling and using guilt technique. I am 30 years old but I am still doing and saying things to make her happy. I feel like I can never be myself. I feel really angry at her that she is that way and at myself that I let her do this. I don't know how to break that and finally feel free.
I have also lots of other problems in my private life. I am very dependent on my husband and have problems to make decisions etc.
I am really sick of being me. HELP!!!

[Help4U]

Hi Megusina,

I sympathise with the problems that you are having with your mother. I do not know if anyone but yourself can change the way that you feel towards her.

All I can put forward to you is this idea. I have spent a great amount of time studying how the mind works so that I can improve my personal relationships. I have done this by reading some of the all time greats like "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carneige - I recommend it highly. The other thing that I have done and this has changed the way my mind functions for the better is join the coaching program "Six Minutes to Success" with Bob Proctor.
You see I recently attended a seminar in Dublin Ireland and the Keynote speaker was a guy called Bob Proctor. You may of heard of him from the movie "The Secret". Now Bob has spent the last 40 years working on the development of the mind and he travels the world spreading the message of "the law of attraction" amongst others. I did not know anything about Bob or his teachings before I seen him at that seminar. That was 10 months ago and since then I have been studying daily on ways to change my mind and my thinking to bring prosperity into all aspects of my life.

One of the key messages from the teachings that I have learned so far is that "Most people live their lives doing what they think, other people think, they should be doing". Just stop and read this again as it is so powerful. It is only when we start to think and act for ourselves that we start to lead the lives and build the relationships that will enrich our lives.

I want to spread the word of Bob Proctor's teachings because of what it has done for me in such a short period of time. If you think some of these teachings could be of use to you also, just go check out his website at this link: http://bit.ly/7WjCHI

His program requests that you give him 6 minutes of your life everyday till the day he helps you achieve your goals. However this will literally transform the way your mind works. It is this that brought me all the success I desired in my relationships and business.

I hope that this will be the starting point of something great for you:

Best,
:)James

[Nan]

Megusina,

Your problem with Mom is not an easy one. I, too, have a similar situation. I saw myself 7 years ago in your posting. The problem with our situation is that not only do we deal with our controlling mothers, we deal with our guilt and self loathing.

7 years ago, my mother became very ill. This compounded the toxicity to nth degree. I am the only one of her children that stayed in the same town. Everything fell to me. My sisters fled as soon as they were of age. When my mother became ill her need to control became even stronger from her own fears. I continued on my same path of guilt, being the good girl, & catering to her. In the process of all of this, I developed a heart condition that threatened to take my own life. WAKE UP CALL!

I had to back away from her. That caused guilt, but it was the best thing that I ever did. I stepped back to regroup. She was angry and lashed out regularly. I held my ground. I didn't speak to her for a year. When she called the calls were hateful and demanding. I held my ground and redefined my boundaries. Sounds harsh, I know. It was that or I wouldn't have survived my illness. I was lucky, I had a wonderful support system in my husband and children. They supported my decision. They picked up the slack when necessary.

I had to set boundaries. I had to let her know those boundaries and stick to them. That was the most difficult because my mother has always been a physically and mentally abusive parent. She believes that my role on earth is to be there for her.

7 years later, I help her when I can. I have boundaries in place that she now respects because if she doesn't I remove myself from her world. That has seemed to work for me. She is not a well person. I have had to set up services that will go in and do the things I had done for her in the past; set up her medications for the week, cleaning, etc. I have to be careful of the time that I spend with her. Too much time, I am drained and fatigued.

I had to realize that my life was important to me and my family. No one has the right to demand time or love because she birthed me. I am a person of worth. I make a conscious effort to stop the manipulation tactics as soon as they start. That is hard because she has had many many years to perfect them.

Lack of decision making skills comes with the territory. I was manipulated and my judgment was always in question by her. My father is 88 years old and he always has trouble with making any decisions. Hang in there...those will get better as the situation improves.

I do suggest professional counseling. If you can't afford it, look for government or county services that can help you. In the U. S. there are county and state services that will charge on a sliding scale.

You have many layers of emotions to sift through; hate, disgust, fear, etc. In my experience I really hated her for a while and I had to come to the realization that I am in control of my life. I am responsible for what happens to me. Only me. That is where reading self improvement has helped me.

Don't wait until she is gone to come to terms with your relationship with her. It might seem like it would be easier then, but it wouldn't be. You will need to grow to be the wonderful person you are and claim that before she is no longer here. For your own piece of mind.

Your situation may seem hopeless at times. It is not. In the last 7 years I have made strides to find myself. I have left the self loathing by the roadside and I can honestly say I am a happy and fulfilled person. I am still working on myself...a life long process. Now I can work on myself to grow closer to who I am, not from a position of being broken.

Good luck to you! The journey will have many twists, turns and set backs. Keep the faith. You are worth it!

Nan